A year spent entrenched in birth

My year of maternity leave is almost up.  I am in the lazy days now (have been mentally for a while), and I'm in a state of reflection.  I remember the end of the pregnancy vaguely, mainly because I was keeping myself busy learning and reading about the upcoming birth and figuring out where I was going to end up in it all.  There were definite moments where I was afraid of ending the pregnancy in a c-section (we had a breech scare and the midwife laid it out that she could not do a breech delivery).  I wondered what way my pregnancy would go.  My advisory committee told me that number three could go any way, longer, shorter, or a combination.  In the end - it was an identical process to the other two births.  The pregnancy was a slightly better experience - I had more knowledge and an easier job that allowed me to stay still and ride the nausea train.

So I reflect on what I learned this year being off.  I took the babywearing educator course earlier in the spring, and my mind was blown at all of the linkages between attachment parenting and a normal outcome.  I had always held breastfeeding in ultra high esteem, on this special pedestal.  I always wanted to be an advocate and champion of the movement, while supporting anyone who did not breastfeed.  That was important to me, the mother to mother support despite all odds.  I knew what women were up against - shit, I experienced enough hardship in my own life to make it a definite rat race.  Like everyone else, I suppose.  We all have our own challenges to overcome.

I just keep seeing this whole woman of domination pose being struck, and I keep backing off and not wanting to be a part of that.  I think I have an addiction to the drama (I KNOW I do).  But I think one of the most valuable lessons I learned is that there is just this damned fight for women to raise their children, period.  It's not about the regular south-end parent (pointed out to me last week) who wants a home water birth, and it's not about the core mom who just wants a square meal through her pregnancy at least once a week.  It's about the babies - however they are brought into the world and however they are offered love and food.  It strikes me as a big cop out by the mom-industry to just rake in the profits when they could all be jumping on the other train and getting just as much love.  I bet if every car seat company (not just Britax) did their market research and looked at what a company like Didymos has done with their carriers, maybe we would see the AP movement being mainstream?  Let the hippies have their lotus birth, but produce some great products to allow that to happen?  I see a whole line of high quality dolls coming along and watch these women fight over a $400 stuffed toy, would they do the same if they could jump the line and hire their own midwife?  They do, every day, just like Beyonce booked the entire floor of the hospital for her birth (which was a c-section).  I don't know, I just keep wondering what else will happen this week.

The Time article fired me down - coming off of that high, I learned that my valued husband needed a kick start and a pat on the back for at least sticking it out with me through the crazy year it was.  I think I learned too, that the birth stuff wasn't as hurtful (being in the hospital) to him because in the end we did get our baby.  Our customer satisfaction was low, but we didn't jump the cue and we saved our money for other things over the year.  Like camping, and taking another trip to Edmonton, and some really fun baby carriers (which I admit, I do like to stare lovingly and then think about someone trying to rip them out of my cold dead hands).

I learned this year where my heart needs to be.  I need to pick one cause and do it well, instead of holding myself up and dragging it out into slow deaths.  But others need to come around and take ownership too, it's not a singular cause and certainly not a singular outcome.  I didn't sign up for my own interests, I signed up for others.  I am bitter but I learned about how others are experiencing the system, and I think that is highly valuable.

I am tired, though.  Not because of the amount of work done, but because there is so much more to do and so little time.  I know my family needs me present for a while, and I think they deserve that of me.

So, I may disappear for the summer... haven't yet decided how that will pan out, but it may just happen on it's own.  I won't force it, and definitely won't invite it, but I won't burn down any establishments in the mean time until there is a force to be reckoned with that I can spend some time with.  And once my family life is settled and organized again.  I love my messy house, it means we are busy doing other interesting and fun things, and not spending it fretting and cleaning.  The laundry can wait - momma has another train to jump on.  I loved that part of my leave.  It was grand.

To my family, for making it possible to spend the time learning, and digesting the year.