Not many people know my unique situation with mood disorders. Or maybe you do. I still remember the first time I was told by a man that I was psycho, and the situation that came from. Instability in life seems to create instability in mood, and perhaps choices in who we surround with our love. Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly when I matched myself with an overweight and depressed man? Much of our issues were related to his own poor mental health. I do not think either of us knew or understood that life wasn't easy, and we had to make choices that weren't always easy. When I left him behind the first time, he showed up at my door threatening to kill himself if I didn't take him back. It went both ways. I know where I went wrong those early years - I made the choice to go with birth control medication without being informed about what that would do to my body and mood.
I can link back directly to hormonal supplements and when my ability to deal with life was hampered. I stuck with birth control for most of my 20's, and my mood would cycle along with whatever I was taking. My best moments in life were the moments where I was able to leave the medication behind. In the post partum periods of my life, especially in the first year, my body reminds me that mood issues are alive and well. I don't tend to stick with depression as much as just a labile mood - a mood which changes rapidly. Finding support for labile mood is not easy, understandably (who wants to accept that kind of ill behavior in their day to day life as being normal).
With this last pregnancy, it's been a challenge dealing with a toddler and a busy house hold. Saving grace has been good friends and events to look forward to - whatever it may be. Social isolation wasn't the answer - I know that in my own experience, being alone has been extremely difficult as well. Speaking with others and looking at situations from different angles has been helpful in beating the worst of it.
This week is a new beginning for us - I decided to put my pre-schooler into full time childcare in hopes that I can explore and beat the general malaise. It's not going as well as I had hoped, but like everything in my life - the transitions aren't easy and the benefits just need to be accepted in a slow and gradual change rather than immediate pay off.
I don't have much advise, but I have some goals for transitioning out of the post partum period. I'd like to re-establish a routine, set some small and realistic goals for organizing, and return to work with some gusto and love for my profession. Even if my goal isn't to be the world's best mother and full time employee, we do have to work the transition with some grace. I think by spending the last part of my days with a balance of creativity, joy, nutrition, exercise, and some time spent on organizing I will beat the last of this and enjoy the moments with my baby while he is still a baby.
The biggest part is enjoying, looking at the brighter side, and battling against embitterment. Looking forward to doing that!
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