I'm choosing today to write about my recent observations into healing through our birth processes is going. With much care to preserve confidentiality, if you think this post is about you - you are one of many, many... I am immersed into birth culture at least 8 hours a day, collecting, observing, and trying to make sense of this web (literally) of stories from around North America and even right in my own community.
If one thing unites us across the world, it is birth and death. We all do it, eventually - everything in between conception and the last breath and beat of our hearts is entirely unique and never can be replicated. It's as unique as the DNA we all rode in on - but, we all have to come into the world and come out of it in some fashion.
One of my recent observations is that our culture of birth around the world has some similarity and complication, and it's a story that each woman will recall as often. We sit around and share our stories - even if it's just with one person, we still have a dialogue and in some cases a record of what happened. Medical records are quite fascinating to look through - if you ever get a chance to read your own record, jump on it and have a look. I remember reading the packet I was told to bring with me to the hospital with the brief synopsis of what each person had to report to the doctor. How many births, family history, health of the pregnancy, and the general positioning of the baby. It always fascinates me that I not only have to bring a written record, but to also recall and state my story at least five different times from admission to when the baby is coming out. In three births, I still recall people talking to me while I was having a contraction and asking me about my wishes or any concerns - at this point, I am pretty certain all I was thinking about was probably not much more than how I would process a big plate of chocolate cake on a normal day (if you know me, you know that what goes through my mind around anything sweet is probably entirely focused on eating the cake).
This goes the same when care providers ask women to move during labor, make large decisions (by the way, here is a consent form that you need to officially state you are within sound mind/body, just completely ignore and concentrate on making this huge decision). It's crazy what we expect mothers to challenge their cognition to rise to while expelling a baby.
When it's all done - how do you go through the process of healing? Our body does most of the work itself. We sometimes get help with medicine. We are often asking our families for support once baby comes. Our financial woes are taken care of - EVERYONE wants to buy something for the baby, presumably knowing that as a mother who won't be working, we will definitely need a gift for our baby (wink wink, nudge nudge - it's got NOTHING to do with branding the baby with our intent and energy). If we are lucky, our families will stop by and help with house work, come and hold the baby while we bath or shower, or bring by freezer meals and snacks. Of course, we have to hear the story of how the baby came to be expelled. (I should say - most people really do mean well and want to wish the family luck in their journey, it's not a matter of bad intention, at all... just a matter that is over-shared and I will get to the point shortly...)
Every time a mother has to talk about her experience, she will re-live the experience. In birth trauma, some women will live their experience through repeatedly and with gusto. Her birth will become her identity, she will become a poster child for her style of birthing, and will vow to change it. Other women retreat, and cannot touch it with a ten foot pole. Never speaking of the moment again, whether it resulted in a scar or not. Then there is always someone in between. The common root of the problem - the initial trauma, is that there is no official reconciliation process that is widely known for women in these situations.
We have established breastfeeding clinics. Feeding our babies is definitely a priority (as, it should be) - however, many of us know of women who did not and do not breastfeed for whatever reason - still, the clinic exists. There are many post partum support groups - I know in my community, we have several groups and activities for mothers to attend. ICAN is a wonderful group, I am honored to lead the group here in Regina and organize monthly or bi-monthly events. But, it's somewhat specific in it's aims and isn't official counseling. There is always the option of seeing a psychiatrist when birth trauma is also a pre-cursor to a mental disorder/variation of the normal.
Why don't we have a massive project/undertaking happening for birth reconciliation? I ask this, because I genuinely know many women in society have taken to the internet for learning about birth. We know so much about it, but we no so little about how to turn inward and survive the experience afterwards. It's obvious that women are experiencing birth trauma, right now, in your neighborhood, in your hospital, and even in the home. Women have birthed without the assistance of outside help many times - we have criminalized it in some cases - YET we don't begrudge a doctor for telling a woman that she is incapable and will most certainly kill her baby if she makes a certain choice. I guess we all have bad days and don't always follow any kind of certainty - but, babies are born, women are hurt, and what the fuck do we plan on doing with that? Good luck to you?
Is it a path of reconciliation that each woman is responsible for on her own? Should she rely on her peers? Is health care responsible? My other question would be - how is health care supposed to know how and when and why they damaged someone? Should we "lay down" and just let these things happen?
Just a few thoughts. I am noticing a definite trend of everyone wanting to brand our baby, lay our scent on our baby, yet nobody wants to mop up the tragedy that occurred to us in our minds. We can complain (I encourage people to return their complaints, yet, I haven't been able to mentally register and write my own down), we can warn others, we can gather support for the things I mentioned above - but how to resolve birth... that is a big question.
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