Jonas came to us in June of 2011. I had been nursing his big sister through most of that pregnancy, and she was freshly three years old. Previous to this, big sister was nearly four when we did the big wean. I chose the "end", the finale, mostly.
It's bittersweet. I nursed my first child through an abusive session, which may have saved both of our lives. I am not entirely sure if we were entirely at risk of death, but, I clearly remember being choked with a child at the breast and wondering what kind of situation I had gotten myself into. I made the choice far later down the road... with nursing my child being a place of happiness and comfort for both of us through that tumultuous journey. When it was done, I felt that I had found other ways to correct our situation and I was seeking closure, or permission to move along with life. Not that I have ever wanted to break the connection with my child.
I think now to breaking the connection with oxytocin and the "lact" in my life. The hormonal shift that needed to come was likely partially psychological as well as pharmaceutical in nature. We wouldn't benefit from cessation of nursing on a lazy level. I really had a desire to make sleep something that was continuous and uninterrupted for me... but ultimately, I wanted other ways to derive the good feelings. It wasn't even out of boredom. Possibly a way to allow myself to pro-create again? It wasn't birth control, but at that point I hadn't really given myself permission to allow myself to renew the source of oxytocin. We basically put a lock on it and had a fairly mature discussion about the end, establishing the new ground rules. It seemed like a rite of passage at the time, and like I had won the game, accomplished my mission, and secretly held her nursing as something we owned beyond the naysayers and establishment.
Jonas' pregnancy brought a short-wean for my middle girl. I was having pain through the days and felt as though my supply had tanked. I didn't want to be the bedtime messiah anymore, so I let her moan and cry with daddy for weeks. The connection was never broken, and, to this day, it's still there. We nurse on/off (and this is a five year old), and I still feel like that both weaning choices were made for me in an offhand way.
This time, I don't know what to do about it. Jonas is only two, yet, I feel like the five year old needs it more than him. He's a git-er-done kind of nurser, whereas the girls were all into the connection. I still feel him nuzzle in, despite the sweaty head and reluctance on my part to let him tweak and twist and caress his other nipple. I know the day will come, but I really don't know how to break the relationship into something more constructive.
Is it a final chapter... and can I write this one differently? We had a violent night with our middle... she just hasn't given up the goose yet, and I know that it's not done with her. I need a right of passage to break the spell of mommy comfort, or, rather, rewrite her last chapter. I feel that closure for one child will come when I can effectively deal with the entirely non-weaned five year old.
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